death and guilt
I just found out that my grandmother passed away today. The past couple of weeks haven't been so good as far as death and hospitals go. My grandma was a great lady, when I knew her. I can't say that we've been close the past decade or so... in fact, far from it. I hadn't talked to her or seen her in many many years, since our families disconnected when my parents split up.
I should be sad, but I don't feel anything and it's making me feel badly. Maybe it's because I haven't been a part of that family for half of my life now. As if she was already gone... because in reality, she was.
I've been asked to the funeral. I've been made to feel guilty if I don't go.
Guilt. It doesn't make much sense to me. The necessity of funerals don't make much sense to me to be honest. Especially if you haven't been a part of that person's life for so long. Yes, she was family, but family in my opinion goes deeper than a last name. I'm not bitter, but this wouldn't accomplish anything. We found out about her passing through a posting on Facebook.
Does that make me a bad person? I don't think it does.
Funerals in general. I can't do them. I am not someone who can sit in a room full of people and let my emotions out. I prefer to do that in my own privacy, and deal with things in my own way. Pressuring someone into feeling guilty for making the choice not to attend is not right. Looking down on someone for not publicly grieving is absurd. I believe that everybody should find peace in their own way, whether that be in a church or in their bedroom, alone. I'd already found mine. Who are you to decide what's right for someone else?
I didn't go to my other grandma's funeral last year. I couldn't. I loved her a lot and I still think about her every day, but the thought of going didn't sit well with me. I had already made my peace with her as she was fading away, alive and in person. And that was good enough for me. I've been looked down on since then for not going. I've been asked if I regretted it. If I thought I would regret it, I would have been there. I don't regret it for one second. I dealt with her death in my own way. I cried my own tears.
Why should seeing my face and my emotions in an unhappy setting be something that proves to others that I cared? Why should I even have to prove this at all?
I won't feel guilty, because guilt has no meaning. It is just a feeling placed upon you to make you feel like less than you are.
RIP Grandma. I wish you could have been a bigger part of my life.
Am I wrong?
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