I feel like we haven’t chatted in a while. Can we chat? I know it’s hard to imagine me having an actual life outside of this blog, but I do, and things aren’t always peachy. I’ve felt distant lately and unsure about what to write about. It’s tough to write posts sometimes when your mind is somewhere else.
A little while ago on Instagram I mentioned how June and July were some of my best months I’ve had in a long time. And they were. I felt great and happy and like everything was in the right place. August came around and really shook things up. If you want to talk about having your whole world turned upside down, let’s talk about August.
I don’t even know how to write this properly. Dustin and I are no longer engaged. The one thing that I was sure about in life suddenly doesn’t exist. It’s still hard to wrap my head around and I’ve spent many days trying to figure it out. I’ve cried more tears than I knew were possible and buried myself in a pile of pillows and sheets from morning until night. I feel strange saying it because Wonder Forest is supposed to be a place of happiness, but I fell into a vacant hole of depression and didn’t know if I even wanted to come out. The thought of the rest of my life without him was something that I was never prepared for because what we had was so special. That’s heavy, I know.
Life is funny like that, isn’t it? The moment things seem to be clearer and happier than ever, something has to come along and screw it all up. Maybe this is not something to be angry or upset about though. Maybe this is the universe’s way of helping me get back onto my own two feet.
Many of you know my struggles with anxiety and agoraphobia. This made things rough sometimes on the relationship and I’m sure played a big part in how things ended up. I know that’s not the only reason, but I’m positive that things would be very different had I been able to go out more and enjoy doing things together regularly. Like I said, this seems like a kick in the butt to get my shit together, and for that reason I have to look at it as a good thing.
Right now we are both taking time to work on ourselves and see what our futures have in store. I do also think it’s important to work on yourself and know that no matter what, you are still a strong, capable person who can be okay on your own. I know that’s easier said than done sometimes.
Is this what I want right now? Of course not. I had my entire future planned — marriage, babies, life — and now it’s been tossed into the air. These 6 years we’ve built together can’t just be washed away. I am terrified of having to start all over again. At the same time I think everything happens for a reason and although it’s sad thinking that I might be 40 years old before I settle down and have kids (ugh), I’m glad we are able to take a step back before we were tied into a marriage, only to discover problems later.
The situation is weird right now. He is still my best friend and we are trying to see if what we had can be fixed. In the meantime, I’m taking my own advice and working on myself. I’ve finally pushed myself to get help and will be seeing a doctor later this month to chat about mental health. I’ve also started the process of fixing up my chompers, which is something I put off for so many years because I have been terrified and way too anxious to do the dental work. I had one appointment already and am going back tomorrow for another, and then a final one after that. I’ve also been combating my grocery store fears and have been shopping (with a full cart!) on my own a couple of times now. I know that sounds super strange, but anyone with agoraphobia would understand the ridiculous fear of that checkout line. This whole paragraph probably sounded strange, now that I think about it.
I just felt like posting this because I don’t want to keep answering questions like “when are you going to get married?”. It’s too confusing and sad to vocalize… and I always do better with written words.
Life is such a crazy thing but ultimately the choices and decisions we are given help to shape us into better people. I truly believe that, and I am hoping for the best possible outcome, whatever that may be. The process hurts, but slowly it will get better. I hope.