It’s been a little over a month since I started treating my anxiety, so I wanted to give a little update about how I’ve been doing.
I can’t say I’ve noticed anything drastically different. I knew I wouldn’t, quite honestly, because the medication takes some time to work. I’ve felt great on some days, and not so great on others. Accomplishments like getting my teeth fixed seemed easier, so that was a huge plus. I was able to go out a lot more without working myself up about it first, and at times had virtually zero anxious thoughts.
I am talking in past tense because I feel like I’ve recently taken two steps forward and one step back. I experienced a slight panic attack while traveling alone to the next town over. The kind of real panic I get when it feels like I’m about to pass out. Do you know the feeling? When you start to lose feeling in select body parts and you feel cold on the inside, but you’re starting to sweat and turn pale. That kind of panic. The one that I am always so afraid to experience, so in turn I panic just thinking about it happening.
I managed to fight it off by repeatedly telling myself “everything is fine” and made it through my time there, but ever since then I’ve been on edge. So much so that it happened three other times after that… including while standing in line at the post office as the woman helped me set up my PO box. It was taking her forever and there was a line forming behind me, so naturally I couldn’t exactly leave. That feeling of being stuck somewhere is what always gets me. I fought it off once again by trying to distract myself by reading all of the stamps on the counter.
When things like this happen, it makes it incredibly difficult to find the courage and right mental ability to go out because I fear of it happening again. When will it strike? Where will it get me? So while I was doing great at first, I feel like I’ve fallen backwards and am not sure what’s working for me and what’s not.
The doctor has recently increased my dosage so I guess I will see if that helps. My experience with the meds in general has been alright. No real side effects besides getting bouts of tiredness during the day to where I need to lie down… which is totally not like me at all because I am someone who absolutely hates naps! Generally, I feel happier and Dustin has said he’s noticed a difference in my overall attitude.
As I said when I first went to get help, I don’t think that any pill is a magic remedy. I’ve never been one to want to use prescriptions. I fully believe that it’s within myself to work through this as well, but at my wits end I was hoping for something to help make it easier to mentally deal with. I’m starting to question whether or not there is anything that could actually quiet the anxiousness since I’ve been this way for as long as I can remember. Like maybe my thoughts are too strong to battle. I don’t know.
I won’t give up hope yet. I still believe there is a long way to go and through the struggles perhaps I will find some strength.